There are signs that Spring is around the corner. The days are getting longer, the beagles are restless, the trees are budding, the tulips have broken through the earth, and the 's' word the weatherman is using has changed from Snow to Severe. And to be honest, I find myself saying "Hallelujah".
I am a winter person. I love the cold, the snow, the desire to stay inside and be cozy. While I like the flowering beauty of spring, I generally find it annoying. Trees budding and sending pollen throughout the air, forcing me to be a prisoner behind closed windows. Dogs digging in mud, having to be washed each time they come in the house. Allergies and mud- that's what I think of Spring bringing. Yet this year, I am ready.
It has been a rough winter. I have been in a deep depression for most of the winter. Well, deep for me. For other people, this might have been a mild depression. People have often described me as perky. While that isn't the adjective I would use, I know I fall closer to 'perky' than 'miserable' on the spectrum. This winter, I have been downright miserable. Even worse, I was in denial. I thought I was just down. I don't know why I kept denying it. There is no shame in admitting you struggle. At least, I don't think there should be. I know there is a lot of stigma with mental health issues, but I've always been honest about my emotions.
I struggle with depression. It is part of the Fibro. Most of the time, it isn't so much of a struggle. But sometimes, I get down. We all have down days. Most times, I can pull myself back up. I may get upset at something, or stressed, or just sad, but it is usually temporary. There are times it isn't temporary. This time it lasted for about two months.
I haven't been blogging much due to it. I have ideas written down that I want to write about, and may still. So a blog about cold Januarys may appear in March. I just haven't had the desire to write. Or knit. Or read. Or really do anything. Every day has been a struggle to get out of bed and function. When the alarm went off, I gave myself a pep talk to encourage my feet to swing off the bed and onto the floor. My overwhelming desire was to turn off the alarm and pull the blankets over my head. I kept trying to find motivation. Something I wanted to buy, saving my vacation time for Sydney's visit, a trip for myself. Nothing was working. I honestly would have been happy if I could have stayed in bed for two months, and if the world would have left me alone.
But the world did not leave me alone. I was moderately successful at moving in the world, although I'm sure my attitude was a little dark. The more I tried to care, the more I realized I didn't. I considered running away. Not in the 'abandon my life' sense, but just in the 'take a break from my life for a couple days'. Then I thought I really should talk to my Doctor, maybe I needed an anti-depressant for a little bit.
I can't pinpoint what exactly brought me down. I know my Grandmother's illness was part of it. I was afraid to answer the phone if the caller ID was my Mom's number. Every time I talked to my parents, I got an update on Grandma. I didn't have the family here to lean on, to hug. I did have some wonderful friends, those who live close and those who reached out through cyber space. It always felt like they were here, and my friends were a tremendous support for me. I shudder to think how much further I would have sunk if it had not been for my friends.
The winter was so long and cold, and then there was Christmas. We didn't have Christmas at our house, and mother nature interrupted Sydney & my parents' plans to come visit. Winter is always rough on the Fibro, this year was no different. There's a lot of stress at work. Together, it created the perfect storm of emotions for me.
I have been feeling much better in the past week. I know this is going to sound wrong, but going home for my Grandmother's funeral made me feel better. For one thing, she is at peace. The family is at peace. I had the closure with her funeral that I did not have with my other Grandma (we had no services for her, at her request). And I got to spend time with my family. Talking with my mom as we lingered over breakfast, watching sports with my dad. Being in the house I grew up in, seeing the familiar landscape covered with more snow than I've seen in years. Even being around the extended family of cousins was wonderful. I was able to spend a lot of time talking to my various cousins, and it was nice. Sure, it would have been great to have better circumstances, but it still felt good. Of course- the greatest elixir is Sydney and Drew- my two monkeys.
Now I can get back to blogging. I can work on my knitting. After all, there's less than 10 months until Christmas! I'm thinking of vacations. I'm even taking one just for myself this year- to visit a friend. I haven't done that in a long time. I feel like I'm starting to enjoy things again, and starting to care about most things. I feel like I'm emerging from this winter shroud, and things are so much better.
I didn't write this as a pity party. I really wanted to thank my friends who have helped me through this. You may not have realized how much you were helping me. No matter how we were communicating, you kept me afloat. I am very grateful, and so very blessed. I also want to apologize for not being myself these past couple of months. Thank you for sticking with me, for not prying to find out why I was a bit off. I think it is safe to say I'm back!
