Alone with my Mind

My brain never shuts off. When I'm at work, when I'm driving, when I'm trying to sleep: my mind is always going what feels like 100 miles an hour. I jokingly tell people that it can get scary inside my head. Last night I had to go to the hospital after work to have an MRI done. My neurologist is still trying to figure out why I'm losing feeling in my hands. I had an MRI years ago, when I first sought treatment for the headaches. It has been probably at least 8 years, so while I vaguely remembered what an MRI is like, I forgot how much fun it really is.

You have to lie down on this narrow cot like thing. It's not truly a cot, but part of the MRI machine. Your head goes into a little cradle. The technician asked if I wanted to listen to music, and I said 'sure'. So I was fitted with gigantic headphones. I told her any music was fine, so she put it on the 'warm' station- which plays a mix of 90's, 00's, and today (remember when the mix used to be 70s, 80s, and 90s?). She put this contraption over my face which resembled the face mask of a football helmet. She explained this holds the pictures. The technician told me to stay very still, and it would probably only take about 10 minutes. Of course, I knew, if I moved, it would take longer. I closed my eyes (which made me feel less claustrophobic), and took a deep breath while the 'bed' moved my head into the tube of the MRI machine. And then my mind started chirping. It raced from one topic to another and went a little something like this:

I just heard this song on the radio in the car. They play this song too much. The radio plays the same songs over and over. How long is this song? How long have I been in here? The average song is 3 minutes long. How do I know that? Seems like I picked that piece of trivia up somewhere. So if I get through three songs, I will be almost done. This song isn't over yet? Oh good, news. Chance of severe weather again tonight. I hope we don't get any, really don't want to go in the pantry. Stay still. Don't move. I need to take a deep breath, I think it's ok, obviously you are supposed to breathe in here. Another song. I like this song. Don't move. Don't try to sing along with the song. Just stay still and listen to the song. Why did I decide to clasp my hands like this? My fingers are sore and I now I can't move. If I move I'm going to hear that nice lady's voice tell me 'stay still'. I wonder if I'm her last patient tonight. The hospital is pretty quiet at 5pm, this is the time to come for tests. But if I move, it will take longer, and if I am her last patient, I'll be keeping her here longer. My right leg seems to be at an odd angle, it hurts. It's getting hot in here. I feel like I could fall asleep. How can I feel so rested while it sounds like a jackhammer is going off next to my head? I'm glad I took one of my migraine pills this afternoon. I can't fall asleep. What if I jerk my body as I fall into a deep sleep? Then I would mess it up and I'd have to be here longer. Oh, we're on the third song.

And then the technician's voice said 'Ok, we're done'. As I was backed out of the tube, my mind said 'Already? That was quick!' I was grateful to have the sound of something other than my own thoughts to listen to!