Meltdown

Ever have one of those days when it feels like the world is conspiring against you and using you as a punching bag? It's not been the best of weeks here, and I am really feeling bruised and bloodied by life. I guess it started yesterday when my coworker, and friend's, mother in law passed away. Even though she was 90, I still feel really badly for my coworker. Anytime someone who is a part of my life loses someone I feel the loss too.

It's been a particularly busy week at work. Lots of payments, applications, and calls. It has been slow for quite a while, but now it is picking up. I suppose it does make the day go by quicker.

Today was Erich's nursing test. He has been studying and studying. He finished nursing school 3 years ago, but hasn't gotten around to taking the test. He won't have his score for a few days, but he is certain he failed it. And I guess that started this down feeling. About 16 months ago, his hours were cut. He went from 40 hours a week (more some weeks) to 15 hours a week on average. There have been weeks he's had more than 15 hours. But mostly it is 15 hours. Everyone knows the job market is tough- it seems to be particularly bad in SW Ohio. We have cut back quite a bit. And we probably could tighten the belt a little more. The bills continue to get paid, but each month we worry a little more. I don't have any skin left on my lip, I'm always biting it out of stress. My face is broken out almost as bad as when I was a teenager. And my bp is high. It has been high for a while, and every month I go to the Dr and he checks it and changes the meds. Next time I might just tell him 'you know what, we're getting by on less than half what we were before, I'm always stressing about bills. Why do YOU think my bp is high?' And then I can charge him $90!

So when Erich said he failed it, I just felt like all the air had been let out of me. I knew for sure that if he passed it, I would cry buckets in relief knowing that things were soon going to get better for us. But if he truly did fail it, he has to wait 6 weeks to take it again- and we wait again. Another couple mortgage payments, more water bills and electric bills and telephone and cable bills. Doctors bills for me, car payments, student loan payments. We are both trying to keep from cashing out the small retirements we have (mine is much smaller than his), but with each passing month it seems more likely that we will have to.

I know lots of people are struggling right now, and we certainly are not the exception. Thankfully we don't have children to care for and worry about. There's still food in the frig, and we still have the electric and water. But it's so stressful for us. I just feel so let down, not by him, but by life.

I was on my way to get a massage tonight. Okay, let me just take a tangent here. For me, massages are not a luxury, they are a necessity to keep my pain levels lower, to keep my body slightly flexible so that I can move. When I go without the massages I end up in pain, unable to get out of bed. So anyway, on my way I was stopped at a red light, and the red light just seemed endless. I sat there, and was just so incredibly sad, and so overwhelmed. Suddenly I was blinking back tears. I almost had a meltdown right there in the intersection, with a line of cars behind me and kids trying out for little league in the field next to the road.

Then I got to my massage therapist, and she tells me about her meltdown today. We understand each other quite well. Our personalities are similar. Our birthdays are four days apart. While I don't get all gung ho about horoscopes, I do occasionally read them for entertainment. I'm pretty sure today's Gemini horoscope said 'go back to bed and try again another day'. I still feel like I'm just going to burst into tears and cry for days. Perhaps chocolate will help. I already finished off the Samoas I bought from the little girl scouts. Well, the open box that is.

I am hoping tomorrow will be better. It won't be as wonderful as if we were both gainfully employed full time and not having to worry about the bills, but maybe I won't feel this overwhelming sadness that threatens to crush me.