I've mentioned before that I have always struggled with my self-confidence. I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but sometimes those ghosts return, as they did this week. One of my cousins is getting married next month, and I've been worrying about what to wear. I haven't been to a wedding in a very long time. The last time one of my friends got married, I had a fibro flare and was in too much pain to go (something which sadly, seemed to destroy our friendship). I've tried to think of when the last time was that I was at a wedding, and honestly, I think it was my sister's wedding 10 years ago. And for that wedding, I was told what to wear. It was so much easier!
I feel like I've forgotten how to dress. Or what you are supposed to wear to a wedding. I have been stressing about this since my cousin got engaged in February and announced that she'd have an October wedding. Which is silly! After all, I'll be around family. They don't care what I look like. I'm not using the wedding as a way to meet guys like some women do. More importantly, everyone's going to be looking at the bride. So what does it matter what I wear?
My mom and sister were both talking of getting new dresses. Well, I like to shop, so that sounded like a good idea. But at the same time, I have a closet full of clothes. The racks which hold my clothes are actually starting to sag. It seems silly and wasteful to buy a new dress for this wedding. I wear jeans to work now, and I have plenty of clothes for conferences. I rarely wear dresses any more for anything. The practical part of me said 'you have something to wear'. I showed mom my options while she was here in April, and she agreed I have several very nice possibilities, and there was no need to go shopping. That was it. The issue was settled.
Until I went home last week, and my sister talked about the new dress she bought. In all fairness, she has a wedding the night before my cousin's wedding, and she had the one dress that wasn't black (we both agreed unless it's a black and white wedding, wearing a black dress isn't really appropriate). She bought another dress so that if she spills something on the first dress (which is a possibility given that she has two children), she still has something to wear for the second wedding. She forgot to show me her dress, but I have no doubt she'll look fabulous.
The other day, one of my younger cousins posted a picture of the dress she's planning to wear to the wedding. It's a very pretty raspberry color and fits her tall thin frame like a glove. It's gorgeous, and suddenly, I felt very old and frumpy. The outfit I had planned to wear is a raspberry colored skirt set. The skirt is long, which is what I prefer. I just feel like if you see me and her wearing the same color, you're going to see the young, beautiful woman. And I can't figure out why this is bothering me so much! I don't fuss over my looks. I spend a few minutes on my hair each day, sometimes I wear jewelry and even more rarely I put on makeup. I believe the woman I am on the inside is more attractive than the woman I am on the outside. I don't really get hung up on looks. So why am I fretting over something I will wear for only a few hours?
I looked online at all my old haunts: Kohls, JCPenney, QVC for a new dress. Nothing grabbed me. Then I went into my closet and reevaluated what I already have. I had a good talking with myself, and told those self-conscious demons to hit the road.
Last night, an old friend (and by that I mean she is a friend from junior high and high school, not that she is old) read my blog. She complimented me, and told me to get my book written, because she wants to buy it. It was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. It's one thing for my family to compliment me, but when my friends do it (and she's not the first) and they believe in me, it's time for me to start believing in myself. Perhaps it's time for me to tell those demons who lurk over my writing to take a hike.
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