We didn't have pets growing up. Dad felt we weren't home enough and it wasn't fair to the pets. He was right, of course. Dad worked long, unpredictable hours and Mom worked 4o hours a week in another town. The time they had at home was spent maintaining the home and trying to have some family time. We also enjoyed taking vacations and going away. While I wanted pets, I don't feel that my childhood lacked for anything because I didn't have pets.
Except perhaps one thing. Because we never had pets, I have never had to deal with pet loss. That changed yesterday. We live next door to Erich's parents. It is a mixed blessing. But there are days that leave us saying 'this is why we live so close'. Erich's parents had a dog, Axel. He was some sort of a mixed breed. They said he was a lab mix, but he looked more like a lab/shepherd mix. Axel was a big dog, his head came to my hip. He was 15, and had been struggling a lot more. He's been blind for most of the past year. He was having a lot of problems breathing, and was restless at night, finally collapsing in exhaustion around 3am.
Erich's dad has always had Erich go with him to the vet. He couldn't bear to be the 'bad guy' on a simple office visit. Last month when they went to the vet, there was a new vet on duty. Mr. New Vet suggested it was time to consider euthanasia. Understandably, Erich and his father came home upset. Erich was upset at the lack of a bedside manner Mr. New Vet exhibited. His father was upset at the very thought. No more was said.
Yesterday morning as I was in the shower, Erich came in and said 'I'm going with Dad to have Axel euthanized.' I told him I was sorry, and then there was an awkward pause. I didn't know what to say. Erich left, I finished showering, and went into my room to finish getting ready for work. The beagles were crying and baying, as they always do when Erich leaves. But there was something more to their crying. It was more mournful, exposing a deep sadness. They knew. I stood in my room, half dressed, and burst into tears.
I cried off and on throughout the day. It wasn't the all out grief that I've experienced with human losses, but it was still grief. I was sad and my heart felt heavy. Things weren't any better at home. Erich had spent most of the day crying. His parents are heartbroken. His father really lived for Axel: eating meals with him, taking him for walks, making sure he was comfortable. We are worried about Erich's dad. His mom has other activities to keep her busy, but his dad really doesn't.
We've had a lot of somber discussions in the house the past couple of days. I didn't know what to do. When a person dies, you make food for those who are grieving. How do you comfort someone on the loss of their pet? Erich didn't know whether to let our dogs play in the yard or not. He didn't know if the sight of our dogs would upset his parents. He's spent a lot of time talking with his dad, trying to lift his spirits.
You know how you take your own mortality a little more seriously when someone close to you dies? Or someone your own age dies? I found myself doing that with the beagles. It forced me to look at their own lives. They are ten now. I want to have decades more with them, but I know that won't happen. I know our years are dwindling. It breaks my heart to think of that. I've been snuggling with them a little more, trying not to get irritated when Cobalt fetches every half hour to go out or Onyx barks at everything that walks past the window. I think how quiet the house next door is without that big guy barking.
Erich is concerned about his father's mood. I don't know what to tell him. I don't know if the way his father is acting is normal. I think of how I will feel when we have to make that decision, and I'm pretty sure I'll be devastated. My dogs are my children. In many ways, Axel had become that for Erich's parents since their children were grown and out of the house. Erich's family is not really religious, so telling them that Axel is running and playing over the rainbow bridge doesn't really seem to help. Erich said his dad was having doubts about his decision, and we agreed he made the right decision. He was the one who had to make that decision, not the vet, not Erich. I like to think Axel told him it was ok.
Letting someone you love go is different than letting go. That will take a lot longer. This is my first real experience with pet loss. I'm 35 years old and experiencing it for the first time. Yet I am also thankful that it is not a direct loss. Axel was part of the family, but he lived next door. He was someone else's dog. I know this can't prepare me for what I will face when it is mine. Still, it is something people need to experience. I just pray I won't have to face this for many more years.
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