Time to Exhale

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I despise Valentine's Day. The reason is simple: do nice things for me year round or don't bother on one day in the middle of February. I think it's a lot of hoopla. People who are already having financial troubles waste money on overpriced flowers (roses easily double in price for Valentine's Day, sometimes triple) and chocolate. For what? Because Hallmark tells you this is the day to care? I disagree. There are 365 days (this year 366) in the year; you should be a caring, loving individual all those days.

This year, however, I've actually been looking forward to Valentine's Day. Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of Grandma Primeau's passing. I know it probably sounds cold that I'm looking forward to this day. I don't mean it that way. Many of my family members have changed their Facebook pictures tonight. Now, as I scroll through Facebook, Grandma's picture jumps out at me frequently. It's kind of disturbing. I don't really see tomorrow as a very sad day. Rather, I see it as a relief.

We have reached the end of the 'Year of Firsts', and I honestly feel like I can truly exhale for the first time in twelve months. Don't get me wrong, I know we'll always feel her absence, but we no longer will be operating under the cloud of 'The First'. A little over two weeks after her death, the family navigated the first of many birthdays. As poor luck would have it, that birthday was my Dad's. Then again, in a family of nearly 60 people, you're always close to someone's birthday. And we all had to have that first birthday without her. Dad was just the first first.

Mother's Day was a little more bitter than sweet, as she was buried the day before. We worried how Grandpa would do in the summer when he went to the baseball games. Their children had bought them season tickets long before Grandma was sick. The family made sure there was always someone sitting in her seat, keeping Grandpa company. Sydney seems to really love that job. This year my father bought the third seat next to them, so Sydney can sit next to her Great-Grandpa and still have someone else (like her parents or mine) with her. As we moved into fall, we braced ourselves for the hardest part of the year. Grandma's birthday, their anniversary, Christmas. All with the reminder of where we were last year- Grandma was diagnosed right after Thanksgiving. For good measure, we threw in a wedding too. We made it through all of the obstacles. Sure, there we had our moments. Seeing Grandpa sitting alone during my cousin's wedding is one that had all of us wiping our eyes. But we got through it. We knew we would. After all, life goes on, right?

So tomorrow starts a new chapter. We've faced birthdays and holidays. We know what to expect now. Yes, I miss her. She is not the first grandparent I've lost. I miss each of them in different ways. Then I think of my Mom, who lost her last grandparent when she was 10. I was so fortunate to have my grandparents into adulthood. Some people aren't even fortunate enough to have their parents still with them in their 30s, so I consider myself truly blessed. It's time to take a deep breath and move forward.