Phone Lessons

I spend a lot of time on the phone at work. I call financial advisors all over the US. One thing that really irritates me is the poor manners exhibited by people on the phone. Both advisors and their office people. It leaves me wanting to open Amy's Phone Etiquette School.

I have been cursed with a very young sounding voice. Someone said I always sound young and sexy. I don't know about the sexy part, but I do sound like a teenager. I actually hate my voice. The only thing worse than hearing my voice is hearing a recording of my voice. I recorded our answering machine message (because Erich just wouldn't do it), and I cringe every time I hear it. While the rest of my body matured, and in some cases (such as my hair) has matured beyond my age; my voice has been stuck in 1993.

Because my jobs have always involved talking, I have tried to make up for sounding young. I try to speak slowly and clearly. I also try to speak as professionally and intelligently as possible. My goal is to make the person on the other end believe I know what I'm doing, and that I'm not some temp worker right out of high school.

I have some tips for people who must talk on the phone in a professional setting. Since I can't very well pass them out to people when they exhibit poor phone manners (as that would just be RUDE), I shall share them here, if for nothing else than my own amusement.

1. When you are in an office, do not answer the phone by saying 'HELL o?' . You should use the business name, so that the caller knows they have dialed the correct number. Do not answer it as you would your home phone, or cell phone. 'Yeah?' 'What?' and 'Huh?' are equally inappropriate.

2. If your boss has voice mail, but you do not know how to transfer a call to that voice mailbox, please simply offer to take a message. Telling me you don't know how to use it does not increase my confidence in your ability to hand write a message and deliver it.

3. If you did not understand my name, or the company I am calling from, politely ask me to repeat it. Do not say 'huh?' or 'what?' in a snappy tone.

4. Do NOT answer the phone with food in your mouth.

5. Do NOT snap your gum on the phone. There are ways to discreetly chew gum so that the caller does not know you are chewing it. Trust me. I do it all day long.

6. Do not put me on hold, and then forget about me.

7. When you are on the phone, and have to put me on hold, ASK me to hold. Don't sigh in exasperation and say 'hang on'.

8. If you are in a meeting and your phone rings, don't answer it. It is extremely rude for you to wait until after I've identified myself and the reason for my call and then tell me 'I'm in a meeting, call back'. Put your phone on vibrate or if it's a land line-let it go to voicemail. You are disrespecting me and the people you are meeting with by giving neither of us your full attention.

9. Do not call me, and then ask me to hold on so you can answer your cell phone. I will give you just a few seconds to tell the person on the cell phone that you are on another line. If you do not come back to our call in a timely manner, I will hang up on you.

10. If you do have to answer another call while we are on the phone, kindly put our call on hold, or set the phone down and walk to another area. I do not want to hear your private conversation with someone else.

11. When calling on behalf of your boss, identify yourself. This holds true whether you are speaking to me in person, or leaving a voicemail. "Hi, this is Jen, I'm calling for Mike Smith". Don't say 'uh, I'm calling for Mike Smith'... When I call back, I will let whomever answers the phone know that I am returning a call, but I don't know who to ask for because she didn't leave a name.

12. If you are leaving a voicemail for me, leave your first and last name. We have 3000 members in the US. If you tell me John, I have no idea who you are.

13. My voicemail greeting says 'please speak slowly and clearly and spell your last name if necessary'. If your last name is Popaduperkowalskiopolis, then you should be spelling your last name. If your last name is Jones, save the sarcasm (which is evident in your voice) and don't spell it. Trust me, as someone who has a last name that I have had to spell my entire life; you know if you should be spelling it.

14. Speak slowly and clearly when leaving messages. Do not rattle off your phone number in two seconds.

15. You actually need to leave a phone number. Don't make me look it up, because the number I have could be wrong. As I talk to people all over the US, you need to leave your area code with the phone number.

16. It is not necessary to leave multiple messages for me in the course of an hour. I WILL call you back. We are not doing anything that is a life or death matter. You are not the only person I have to help today.

17. Check the attitude before you dial or answer. Being a bitch or jerk to me does NOT get you anywhere.

18. Identify yourself when calling. I know I covered this for assistants, but it works for everyone. You should tell me who you are BEFORE you tell me the reason for your call. This enables me to pull up your account while talking to you.

19. Don't assume I remember you because we talked two weeks ago. I have an extraordinary memory, but I also talk to many people in a day.

20. Take me off speaker phone. There is no reason to be on speaker phone if it is just the two of us talking. If you have someone else in your office joining us on the call, please identify them to me at the beginning of the call. I do not like to be 'tag-teamed'.

Thank you for calling. Have a nice day!