Status, please

The question of my marital status comes up frequently. People who know me know the situation, and don't ask. It is the people in my life who are on the peripheral that tend to ask. Old friends I'm reconnecting with, people at the salon, my allergy nurse. If complete strangers came up to me, I probably wouldn't answer their question. But I feel compelled to answer the question for the people I know.

Maybe people ask because I'm a woman in my mid-30's. I have tons of jewelry, but rarely wear it anymore. So my fingers are usually naked. I know there are people who feel you must be married with children. My grandmother is one of those. She was married two weeks after her 18th birthday, 11 months later she was a mother. She believes a woman's purpose is to have children. Those of us in our 30's who are not married, get questioned about when we will get married. Those who are married and do not yet have children, get questioned about when they will have children. If they have one child, they get questioned when they will have another. If we're 30, or over, and single; we are not a success. Yet those who have more children then they can care for, they get praise. It's not fair, but that's how she is.

Of course, I don't really know how to answer the 'are you married' question either. Because I consider myself single, but the truth is that I'm divorced. It's not a great big secret. Most of my friends know it. I got married right out of college, and it only lasted a year. It was an abusive relationship, and I am thankful every day that I got out. At the time, I worked with several older women who had been in abusive marriages. They were stuck for 30 years, and then left by their husbands. I didn't want that to be me. I know that God put these women in my life at that time because I needed them.

After the divorce, I worked to put that part of my life behind me. I was embarrassed to have been in that situation. People have asked me if he was violent before the marriage. The answer is yes, he was, to other people. I also get asked what I saw in him (if you knew him, you'd understand why I get asked that). He was the first guy who treated me as something more than a friend. I had a lot of guys friends in high school. And even when I got to college; the guys I thought were so cute just saw me as a friend.

Following the divorce, I got right back into the dating scene. After all, I was only 23. And met a few more frogs on the way. I even got engaged to another frog. He seemed like a prince at the time, and then his personality really changed. So we broke up on the way home from a vacation with my family. Later one of his friends told me he'd been dating another girl the entire time he'd been seeing me.

So my track record with guys was not so great. I decided I needed to take some time for me. I needed to know who I was, and what I wanted before I could get into a relationship. Erich and I had already been sharing a house for about three years at this point. We have been sharing a house since October, 2000. It was supposed to be temporary, to help me get back on my feet after the divorce. I hated living alone. I like having someone to talk to (even if he doesn't always listen), and cooking for two is a lot easier than cooking for one. Now it's been a decade, but neither of us seems to mind. I don't see either of us moving.

Erich and I dated; that's how our relationship started. But we realized we were better as friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. So we are friends. Have been for 10 years. I'm sure Erich would rather that we are friends with benefits. I consider him possibly my best friend. He sees me at my worst; the days that the fibro or other health problems ravages my body and leaves me in bed all day. The days that PMS makes me a raging bitch and I snap over everything. (This is a new experience for all of us, as up until about six months ago, modern medicine helped me prevent this occurrence). He puts up with me on the days that I'm in such a good mood I chatter about everything. He has been there as I've grieved the loss of both of my grandparents; worried about my dad recovering from a life altering injury; and shared the latest cute thing Sydie bear did. He might be the person who has the best idea of my political beliefs, as I keep that very close and do not share it with others. He might possibly know me better than anyone else; or at least as well as my mom and my sister do.

I am very blessed to have Erich in my life. He is possibly the most caring person I've ever met. He takes care of me on the bad days and if he thinks I need to be picked up, he brings flowers. He buys my favorite snack foods- which might not be the best for me, as I could stand to lose some weight. We do things together on weekends: shopping, restaurants, exploring different places. It's kind of like we have a built in date. We take care of each other. It is not all just one way. I do nice things for him, buy him clothes when he needs them, fix dinner, take care of the house. My brother in law says I talk about Erich as if he were my husband, and other people have said we act like an old married couple. We have a great friendship. I think we possibly get along better than some married couples.

I feel a great affection for Erich. It isn't any kind of earth moving passion. But I don't know that I would feel that for anyone at this point in my life anyway. I am not afraid of marriage. I know some people might think that one bad marriage turned me against it. That's not the case. I still believe people can be happily married. My parents are going on 36 years. My sister and brother in law are working on 9. My Grandparents have been married for 62 1/2 years. I have friends who found love the second time around and have great relationships. So I haven't given up on it. And I'm not saying Erich isn't the one. A few years ago, if people said 'you'll probably end up with Erich', I would have laughed. I no longer think it's the most ridiculous thing. I do know, however, that Erich doesn't really see the point of marriage. Although we have joked that if he were to get a job with great health insurance, it might be a possibility.

I feel this tenderness towards him. You can't live with someone for 10 years and not feel something. Yes, I suppose it is a form of love, but as I said, it's not passion. I feel a need to take care of him, and I worry about his health. I know I would miss him terribly, and my life would be lonely without him. I suspect he still carries a torch for me. I have always felt badly that I did not return his feelings. But, give me another 10 years and who knows! :)

We are certain that we do not want children. Erich doesn't want them, and I know that I am better being an aunt than a mother. I have my furbabies, and that is enough. I don't feel that maternal instinct that so many women my age feel. Some days, I have all I can do to take care of myself, I know I would not be able to take care of children. We have the dogs. To the dogs, I am Mommy and he is Daddy. When people tell me 'you should have kids, because you'd be a great mom!', I am flattered, but I will only be a great mom to dogs. I told my mom sorry to disappoint her, but she will only have furry grandchildren from me. She said she's fine with that, she wouldn't want me to have children if I didn't want them.

So how do I answer the question when people ask 'Are you married?' or 'Who's Erich?'. I guess I can just leave it at 'Erich is my housemate'. Or 'I share a house with a friend'. Skip the explanation, and let people think what they want. It's really none of their business. It might be weird to them, but this works for us.