Guilt and Thankfulness

This past week I have been thinking of my Mom. A lot. I blame this on Facebook. Before I reconnected with people on Facebook, I didn't know everything that was going on in my friends' lives. I had lost touch with all of the people from high school, and pretty much all the people from college that I was friends with. Now that I've reconnected with all these people from various parts of my life, I know what is going on in their lives. At least as much as they put on Facebook. I know when they have a good day, when they are upset, and when life just flat out sucks.

Last week, two of my Facebook friends lost their Moms. One had been suffering, and was under the care of Hospice. My 'friend' had been praying for peace for her mom. The other friend's mom passed suddenly. While the circumstances surrounding the losses were different, and my friends are 20 years apart in age; their loss is still tremendous. My heart broke for both women. For the high school acquaintance, my heart broke because I couldn't imagine being so young and having your mother gone. For my friend who is the only child and lived close to her elderly mother, my heart breaks that such a huge part of her daily life is gone. Both women seem lost, like they have lost their soul.

Tonight a college friend said her mom had received a terminal diagnosis. Once again I feel my heart breaking for her. I don't know what to say. I don't know what she is going through. I know how devastating it would be for me. I feel so hopeless. All I can do is offer to be there for her. And pray that maybe there's a miracle in her future.

I can't even begin to understand what these women are feeling. I know, someday, I will have to face this. My hope is that my mother will live to a ripe old age of 90+. I hope this because I want to have her in my life as long as possible. Plus, this would give me at least more than another 30 years with her. I know it isn't up to me. I feel so guilty, looking forward to spending a week with my mom, while friends are dealing with such a loss. I guess that's the Catholic. We feel guilty, even about things we can't control!

I also feel very very blessed. I know when I see my Mom, I will give her a big hug. I will cherish each minute we have together in the coming week, and every time we are together. Our family has gotten very good over the years about making the most of the time we have together. We also have a rule in our family- you don't say goodbye without saying 'I love you'. Even if it was just a two minute phone call. You say 'I love you' when you hang up. Because you never know when your last conversation is going to occur. We don't want to leave anything unsaid. My dad once had to take another call while I was on the phone, and he called back after he finished the call. He hadn't told me he loved me when he disconnected our call to take the other one. Even Sydney does this. When she is done talking she says 'Bye, I love you'. Although it's all in one breath so it's more like 'byeiloveyou'.

I know this won't keep my parents from dying. It won't trivialize the loss when it happens. But I know as we grieve, we will be comforted by all the memories. We will be comforted by the 'I Love You's'. For now, I will continue to thank God for each day I have them, and enjoy all of our time together.