Dinner and an Apology

After reading yesterday's post, a dear friend of mine told me that truly confident women wear what they want. I liked the idea of being confident. There was a time in my life that confident would not have been a word you used to describe me. I was extremely insecure. That time of my life from elementary school to adulthood. I don't know what age I was, but there comes a point when you start to realize the differences between you and others. This is particularly true if you aren't popular. I never wanted to be popular, I have always preferred to be in the background. I think I would have just liked to be a little less UNpopular.

I have always been tall. Until the boys caught up in high school, I was taller than most of the boys. That was awkward. I always slouched, so that I would not be as tall. As a result, I have horrible posture. I am 5'9" when I stand straight up, but most people don't believe I am that tall. As we hit our teens, I had more curves than some of the other girls. I have never been a stick. There were girls who had more curves than I did, but they also had these big, outgoing personalities. I have always been painfully shy. My own family terrified me. Seriously! We would go to my Grandmother's for Thanksgiving, with dad's 7 siblings and their families (I have 13 first cousins); and I would sit on one couch in the back corner of the living room and just try to blend into the fabric. I would take books and needlepoint to keep me occupied. I am sure people thought I was a snob, but in truth, it was just bashfulness. Meeting new people still upsets my stomach. On top of all this, I was smart and a bookworm. I have never been athletic. I am, in fact, a klutz. All of these led to a huge period of my life where my self-esteem was extremely low.

It has only been in the past decade or so that I have really emerged from that shell. I have realized it is ok to be me- the tall, klutzy bookworm. I am a lot more confident. I wear what I want. I don't worry about my makeup. I figure people either like me or not, and I'm not going to waste a lot of energy or time worrying about it.

But I realized last night that I am still insecure in my cooking. I don't know why. I don't hang out with gourmet chefs. Some of my friends might be; but the people who come to my house for dinner are not gourmet chefs, they are not vying for a spot on the food network. And yet, I still doubt my abilities. We had Erich's parents over for dinner last night. The menu was simple: steaks on the grill, cheesy mashed potatoes, cucumber salad, corn on the grill, dinner rolls, and for dessert a raspberry cheesecake. When I made the mashed potatoes, I accidentally put too much milk in it. They were runny. I tried adding more cheese, I tried cooking it more so it would stiffen up. I just could not get them to firm up. I did stress for a while, and then when I realized there was no chance, I just ladled the potatoes into a serving bowl, passed out bowls to everyone, and told them the mashed potatoes had become potato soup. I was apologizing, and Erich's mom said 'You should have just told us it was potato soup, we wouldn't have known'. They were very kind, and I was the only one not to have two bowls of the 'soup'. When I put the cucumber salad on the table, I explained what it was and said 'if you don't like it, you won't hurt my feelings. It's something my mom always made'. I had tried to make a chocolate sauce for the cheesecake, and it turned out to be more of a paste, so I apologized for that too. I didn't even realize I was doing it during dinner, until afterwards. I need to work on that. After all, every chef has some failures in the kitchen.

Erich's dad called this morning and asked for the recipe for the cucumber salad. I felt so much better about the whole evening! I guess it is a successful event if they want your recipe. Next time, I will try to serve up a few less apologies. :)