It Makes No Difference

I was away for a few days. Ok, a week and a half. I went home to NY to visit my family and meet my new nephew, Drew. One night, while we were out to dinner, we ran into a family member. As we talked, this family member asked if Dad was thrilled to have a Grandson. Mom told this family member that he was, but it wouldn't have mattered if my sister had two girls- he loved his grandchildren equally. Our relative could not believe that, they were certain Dad must be partial to Drew.

I suppose people who don't really know my parents, or my Dad in particular, might assume that he is partial to Drew. After all, Dad only had girls. What man doesn't want a son? The answer is My Dad. We know plenty of people who are disappointed to only have two girls. And people who are disappointed to have two boys. We know several families who had two or three boys, and tried again to have a girl. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn't. My parents lost a baby 13 months before I was born, a girl. They were thankful to have two healthy children after that, and it made no difference to them if we wore pink or blue.

My father's family is very patriarchal. The men rule the family. The females are second class citizens, put here primarily to wait on the men. I know, it's a bit archaic, but that's how they are. My mother's family on the other hand, tends to be more matriarchal. My Grandmother Wager was a very strong personality. According to the stories I've heard, her mother was as well. My mother is a strong woman, and she raised my sister and I the same. It was always a clash with the values of Dad's side of the family. Mom and Grandpa Primeau got into it many times over the way he treated the girls of the family. I remember my mother telling him her girls were not servants. I wouldn't call my mom a feminist-but she did believe women are equal to men, not beneath them.

So in Dad's family, of course people would expect you to favor the boy. My father never treated us like second best. He was proud to have two daughters. Maybe when it was time to pay for weddings, he wished he had boys. But that would have been the only time. Dad was there for our school concerts, our track meets, our birthdays. My sister joined several sports over the years, and each time, Dad was there cheering her on. There were some things he taught us that many girls might not have known. When we learned how to drive, he made us show him that we knew how to check the oil and where the spare tire and jack were located. He taught us to listen to our cars, and if something was wrong, we needed to be able to explain the sound. He didn't want us just walking into the garage and saying 'it's making a noise'. There have been many mechanics over the years who saw either my sister or I walk in and thought 'ah. Here comes a woman'. And those mechanics were given an education by the time we left. I still take offense to a mechanic treating me like a stupid woman.

If anyone thought Dad would favor Drew over Sydney, they only have to spend an afternoon with Dad as he plays with his grandchildren. His face lights up when he sees either of them. He loves pushing Sydney on her swings or watching her drive her mustang. But he also loves holding Drew, or watching him sleep. I know he is looking forward to Drew getting older, so that he can play with him like he does Sydney. He has plans to take both children to the races and to Yankee Stadium. He's just waiting for my sister to give him the okay. He tells me the funny things Sydney says, and how cute Drew looked. He is Poppop to Sydney and Drew. His love is not based on their sex. I know when he puts their pictures in his wallet, he doesn't know who to put first. When we were kids, he solved this dilemma by putting Mom's picture first. He might still do this. When Drew is old enough to draw pictures, his will hang on the refrigerator next to Sydney's; not above them and not below them. He will spend Saturday mornings going between Sydney's dance practice and Drew's hockey practice (or football. But I'd like to think he's going to play hockey!) He already shops for both kids. He will continue to fill the cart in the girls' section, and then get another cart and fill it in the boy's section. He will beam proudly and wipe his eyes as Sydney graduates with the class of 2024, and he will react the same four years later when Drew graduates.

My dad is the most fair person I know. He loves and will love both grandchildren equally. It doesn't matter that one wants to play with dolls and the other with trucks. Of course, if the grandchildren are like Laura & I; they'll both have dolls and trucks. But they will both be very fortunate to have my Dad as their Poppop.