The Circle of Life

I took a quick trip home to NY this weekend. I left Friday afternoon and came back yesterday. Careful packing and outfit planning allowed me to take just two carry-ons for the weekend- no checked baggage fees. It was not a planned trip- well, not planned in advance. I bought my ticket just two weeks earlier. The family was all going to be in NY for the Christmas party for Grandma.

For the first time, I was really aware of the Circle of Life. The yin and yang. For all the sadness of the weekend, there was so much joy. Everything seemed to be in balance. I was filled with dread on the plane, knowing what was waiting for me in NY. Yet when I got to the airport, Sydney stood there looking like a china doll. She had on a dress, and over her dress was this long black dress coat. Each button was covered with a red rosette. She had a matching hat, and black gloves and shoes. Her blond curls spilled out from under her hat. It's always cute to see this little child standing next to my dad and holding his hand, but Friday she looked exceptionally cute. When she saw me, first she hid behind my dad for a couple of seconds. Then she ran to me and wrapped me in a bear hug. I scooped her up in my arms and buried my face in her hat, trying to keep the tears from flowing. I was afraid I would cry from stress or sadness when I saw Dad at the airport, yet here I was holding back tears of joy from this little girl.

Sydney attached herself to me for the weekend. She was very animated in the car, pointing out Christmas lights to me. At her house, I held little Drew. He's not so little now, he's up to 15 pounds. I held him and he smiled at me and laughed at me. My heart swelled with love for this little man, and with gratitude for all the friends who lifted him up in prayer just a week earlier.

Saturday we took Syd to her dance lesson. I watched her go through her routines, and then they put on a special mock show for the parents. To me, that seemed like a special gift- being able to watch her. Later on Saturday, we went to visit Grandma at the nursing home.I saw her two months ago, and yet, the change still affected me. She has gone downhill so much in that time. At that point, we did not think she would be coming to the party on Sunday. She asked me to tell everyone that she loved us, each of us. She wanted me to thank everyone for coming home. And as she tried to tell me this, she choked up. I promised her through my own tears that I would. When it came time to leave, she held my hand and wouldn't let go. Grandma Primeau has never done that. Grandma Wager used to, but never Grandma Primeau.

As we walked out of her room, Sydney slipped her little hand into the same hand my Grandmother had just held. The sadness seemed to ebb, and was slowly replaced by the youthful energy that is Sydney. We went for lunch and then to visit Aunt Arlene. Then we took Sydney back to her house, and we went home to Mom's. While Dad played cards that night, Mom and I had a heart to heart about Grandma. Saturday afternoon we found out that we would go to the nursing home at 4pm where we had use of one of the community rooms. So we were going to have the party at the club at 12:30, and then at 4 go to Grandma's, where we would wait for Santa and she could watch the kids open their presents. She has always enjoyed that so much. Mom and I discussed what happens next, and how to help Dad and my sister get through it.

Sunday morning we went to church with Laura & her family. Church has always been very important to Dad, and it was especially important to him that we go as a family this week. Before we left the house, Mom and I stuffed several small packets of Kleenex into our purses in anticipation of the afternoon's events. We were at church a few minutes before Laura's family, so we lit candles. In case you aren't familiar with Catholicism, in most churches there is an area with candles. Some of the candles may be lit and some not. You give a small donation, and then light a candle. You always light a candle from one that is already lit. Then you say a prayer. Our family always did this when we had special intentions. A sick relative, someone who needed a little help from upstairs. Sunday we each lit a small candle, and then we lit a bigger one as a family.

Shortly after that, Laura and her family came in. Sydney ran to me again, and gave me another terrific bear hug. The worst things in the world seem so much better when she does that. She sat between her parents, but looked at me with this mischievous glint in her eye. I asked her if she wanted to sit with me, and she said she did. She came over, climbed up on my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, and sat there, hugging me, for the entire Mass. When the congregation stood up, I lifted her up into my arms. When we sat back down, she tightened her grip. It's almost like she knew I needed extra hugs this weekend. The only time she let go was to walk with her Dad during Communion. I used that opportunity to take a sleeping Drew from my Dad's arms so that he could also receive Communion.

Sydney insisted I sit next to her at the party, and shortly after I got there, I ended up with Drew in my arms. I don't remember how he got there, I just know I sat there holding him for a long time. He would sleep, and then he'd wake up. I talked to him about his future. I told him he can be a hockey goalie and play for the Canadiens, or he can be a linebacker and go to Notre Dame. Either way, he needed to get his favorite Aunt season tickets. I was very content, holding Drewboo and sitting next to my Sydie Bear. Aunt Amy was in her element. Grandma's absence hung over the party like a two ton weight. And while we were sad, we all enjoyed watching the younger kids play. It was good to see cousins I haven't seen in years. It was good that we all were there, even if the circumstances were not desirable.

I didn't know what to expect when we took the party to Grandma. I guess I didn't expect to cry, because I left my purse, with the Kleenex supply, on the other side of the room. Sydney decided she would sit on my lap, and then Santa sat next to us. She was very excited about Santa- until he arrived. Then she snuggled into my chest, and would not go to him. She was not the only one. Maya, who is 2 1/2, was also very excited to see Santa, but when he called her name to give her a present, and her father tried to coax her forward, she screamed 'Nooooooo Daddy!' and took off in the opposite direction. The family enjoyed a great laugh at that. We delighted in the looks on the faces of children new to the family, to find there were presents for them as well. All the while, knowing this may be the last year we have the party, or the last year we have Grandma.

Then there was the moment I didn't know was coming. The one I should have had a Kleenex for. It was the last present to be opened, and it was for my Grandparents. Their children had once again bought their season tickets for the Valley Cats, a minor league baseball team in Troy. Grandma & Grandpa are huge baseball fans (runs in the family!). When they opened that present, the room took on a heavy silence. I don't know that there was a dry eye in the place. In a moment it passed, someone talked, and then the children were playing with their toys. While we thought of the gift that Grandma might not get to enjoy (for the curious- the tickets were bought before she got sick, or before we knew she was), we smiled as the children tore into their toys, demanding their fathers open boxes and cut off the various tabs or strings holding their toy in the box. They took over the room, filling it with the joy of Christmas morning.

We took pictures. A lot of pictures. We took pictures of each set of Grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa. We took a picture of all the grandchildren (minus the two who had already left). That too was bittersweet. We probably would not have taken so many pictures if this had been a normal Christmas. Looking at the pictures, I see how much my Grandma has failed. But I also see a nice picture of my sister and I with my Grandparents. I see a nice picture of the cousins- the last time we had a picture like that was almost 20 years ago, when we were children trying to navigate the dangerous waters of adolescence.

All weekend, I kept thinking about the circle of life. The sadness I felt watching my Grandmother near the end of her journey here on earth was mellowed by the amazement at watching Sydney and Drew start their journey. Thinking of the things waiting for them- school, college, families of their own. I think for the first time, I truly understood the circle of life. As much as we are supposed to understand it. The road ahead will not be easy, but we will get through it. Even in the darkest moments, we will have the youngest generation to boost our spirits. The joy will be replaced by sadness, the sadness will be replaced by joy. The emotions will continue to ebb and flow, day after day, and life will continue on. It won't be the same, but it will continue.