Stress

I haven't been blogging for a couple of weeks. I've meant to, but I've been so busy preparing for the holidays. We're all busy this time of year. The decorating, cooking, shopping, wrapping, and in my case shipping-- there never seems to be enough time. It's been even busier this year for me because my four year old niece is coming to visit between Christmas and New Year's. So I've had the added challenge of taking our fourth bedroom, which previously held my Boyd's Bear collection, and turning it into a guest room.

To keep myself organized, I created lists. I always have lists- grocery lists, lists of things to pickup at Target, things I want to get done on a weekend. Our family has always had a lot of extra events at the end of the year: birthdays and anniversaries. My mother always kept a list of who was getting what for Christmas. I expand on that and break it down by month. I write down all the birthdays and anniversaries in that month, and then keep track of what I have bought. This is very helpful because I shop all year long. When I find that perfect item, I buy it and tuck it away.

This year, with so much to get done, I made many lists. I have a small notebook that I've been using to keep track of everything. The lists included the regular gift list, items that needed to be done around the house before Christmas, items that needed to be bought to make the house child safe and friendly, and projects I wanted to get done.

In the summer, I had grand plans. I was going to make three afghans for Christmas gifts. A couple of months ago I realized I'd be lucky to get two done. About a month ago I realized the reality was that only one would be completed. I should have it finished tomorrow, with plenty of time to ship it to its' new home.

Things were going along pretty well until this week. The guest room is complete. The tree was up two weeks early. The yard is almost completely decorated (I'm just waiting for Erich to get the big moose out of the shed. I think he's hoping I will forget.). Every time I went shopping, I crossed a few things off the list. I was to the point that I planned to clean this weekend, bake the following two weekends, and then do the final cleaning Christmas weekend before my company arrived. I felt like things were mostly in control.

Last week, Dad mentioned that my Grandmother was having some tests. This week started with her in the ER on Sunday. She came home Sunday night, had more tests Monday, and Tuesday received the diagnosis: liver cancer and colon cancer. She is having exploratory surgery on Monday, and then probably chemo after she recovers from the surgery. All of the Holiday preparation came to a screeching halt.

My Grandparents host a Christmas party the Sunday before Christmas. I was at the first one in 2001, but haven't been able to make it home to another one. Even the years I've gone for Christmas, going for the party means taking off even more time from work, and it just hasn't worked out. I wasn't going to go this year, until we received the diagnosis. Mom and I talked about it, and agreed I should probably come home. I called Dad to ask him, and his answer was 'I can't tell you not to come'. So that was it. I booked a flight, and will be in NY the weekend before Christmas. It will be a short trip, I'll be home about 60 hours. But it is something I need to do.

Simultaneously with booking my flight, I canceled my cookie making. Even when I worked in retail, I found the time to make dozens and dozens of cookies. I generally bake every night for two or three weeks. I make a schedule (back to those lists!) of cookies. I decide what cookies I want to make, and when to make them. I start with the most hearty, the ones that can be frozen for a while without damaging the cookies. The most delicate ones or the ones that can't be frozen are done last. I group the cookies, so that the kinds that must have the dough refrigerated are done on different nights, and anything that requires my rolling pin and board are done at the same time. I love baking the cookies. In my best years, I've made about 100 dozen. I've scaled it back the past couple of years. This year, I just can't do it.

Stress and Fibro are not friends. One of the things I had to learn after being diagnosed with Fibro is moderation. Too much of anything sends the Fibro out of whack. So does too little, such as too little sleep. So I try to maintain balance. I set limits for myself when I am knitting. While I might like to knit for three hours straight, I know my hands can only do about an hour and a half at a time. When I travel I try to take a direct flight. When I can't take a direct flight, I schedule flights with long layovers. No, I don't particularly like hanging out in airports, but it is much better than trying to push my body to make tight connections. I have learned to listen to my body, and to sit back when I need to. Sometimes I still get carried away, but I'm getting better.

My grandmother's diagnosis really knocked me off my feet. I was really upset, and cried for a day. At first, I was surprised by my reaction. Then I remembered I went through it with Mom's parents too. Grandpa had cancer several times. Each time, the diagnosis brought the tears, the fear, the sadness. With Grandma too, when she had a stroke, we went through the same emotions. It has just been a while since I've had to grapple with this. Grandpa Wager first had cancer when I was a young girl, and it continued off and on through my teen years and young adulthood. So this is a familiar path, just a different grandparent.

Dad's side of the family is large. He is one of eight children (well, really 10 but two died as infants). There are 15 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren. Add all the spouses, and well- we're a big crowd. As with any large group of people, you have very different and often conflicting personalities. It is no different in the family. There are a few people who like to 'stir the pot' if you know what I mean. So added to the stress of my Grandmother's diagnosis, we had to deal with some individuals stirring things. This week I've found one of the dangers of Facebook. Messages were flying back and forth, people were making trouble, and my blood pressure was going sky high. After two days of such crap, I finally said enough. The situation had me lying in bed awake for hours. The pain levels were rising, which also kept me up. I knew that if I didn't put a stop to this, I'd be in a flare. And if there is one thing I do not have time for right now, it's a fibro flare.

I considered pulling the plug on the computer. But I had projects I needed to work on for Christmas. Things to order. Sure, I could have turned off Facebook, but it is a bit of a stress reliever for me. I like to chat with my friends, and play games. Yes, I'm addicted to Facebook. But I think that's another topic. :) So I purged my life of the individuals causing problems. I also talked to my sister and a cousin who is one of my favorite family members, and we each agreed it was best to ignore the troublemakers. Once I had cut them out, I felt like a 5000 pound weight was instantly removed from my shoulders.

Knowing that I'm not superwoman, and I can't do everything is what caused me to cut the cookie making. I may do some baking to relieve stress, but it will be purely for our enjoyment. Or maybe for a couple of special people such as our Vet's office or my massage therapist. At most it will be one or two kinds of cookies. I'm not going to make myself sick or wear myself out. My family needs me to be in NY on the 17th. And then, one week after I return to Ohio, my parents & niece come to visit me for four days. So I must stay well.

I'm also going to try to blog. Writing has always been a release for me. The Christmas season is filled with so many great traditions and memories of my parents. I love Christmas. This year, it may be a little sadder, but it is still my favorite holiday. I have a lot of ideas for posts, and thankfully I've written the ideas down so I don't forget them.

I'm doing my best to keep the stress from getting to me. Taking time to breathe, to step outside and enjoy the silence after the new fallen snow. I'm playing with the Beagles, and reminding myself I will get through it.