The Year Without Christmas

Followers of either of my blogs know I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of year. It is full of traditions and wonderful memories for me. I usually start preparing for Christmas in early November. If you could be defined by a holiday, Christmas would define me. Maybe I should have been named 'Noelle', which might have been a bit odd since my birthday is in June. I live for Christmas, and I love Christmas.

And I have to say, this year, I feel that I've been jipped. It's no one's fault, other than Mother Nature's. By now, I'm sure anyone living in the US has heard all about the blizzard that settled in over the Northeast yesterday, wreaking havoc on travel in many states. I had a premonition about this, for several weeks I had a bad feeling about my parents' visit. I couldn't tell what it was, and tried my best to ignore it, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I started worrying about the storm on Saturday as the words 'developing nor'easter' were uttered on the Weather Channel. If you've spent any amount of time in the Northeastern part of the US, you know those two words never bring good news. I talked to my family Saturday afternoon, and Dad said their local forecast wasn't predicting any snow totals yet, but that areas east of Albany could get 7" of snow. My parents live about an hour east of Albany. Dad was optimistic, and said 'we'll get there'.

Yesterday, I started watching the Weather Channel. I also checked the website of Albany's NBC affiliate, which Dad prefers to watch for the weather. The snow predictions were not positive- a foot for Philadelphia, where Mom & Dad had to change planes. Albany was blanketed in a dark purple color on the Weather Channel. A color which would make a lovely sweater or top. But on a weather graphic, it is a very angry color. The Albany affiliate was forecasting at least 8", and some places could get 20"+. I took a deep breath, and the phone rang just then. It was Mom. She had talked to the airline, and their flight was still on. The airline rep said since Mom & Dad had a 7am flight, they had a good chance of getting out of Albany. Early morning flights are best, the later in the day you go, the greater the risk of delays or cancellations. The rep also thought that Mom & Dad should be ok changing in Philly, and told mom not to change her plans and fly out Sunday afternoon, as they would not get out.

I tried not to obsessively watch the Weather Channel yesterday, or to check the Albany station's website. I knew it wasn't good news. Plus, I had plenty of things to do. I needed to finish cleaning the house and preparing for my company. I have been sick with a bad cold since Thursday night. I started with a cold around December 15, and thought I had gotten over it, but after my quick trip to NY, I started feeling worse when I got back. No real surprise I guess. I was on airplanes (which are truly petri dishes-my theory is the only place worse than an airplane is a college dorm), I was in a nursing home, and I was at a party with 56 other people. It's that time of year, and my resistance is low due to the stress. So it is not a surprise that this cold blossomed. Wednesday and Thursday I had a horrible sore throat all day, and by Thursday night I was sneezing, coughing, and miserable. I rested most of the day Friday. Saturday and yesterday I cleaned. It took me several hours to do a room, because I would do a little and have to lie down to rest. I had so little energy, it took almost all my strength to grab a kleenex and blow my nose. Saturday when I talked to my Dad, he said I sounded like crap. Thank you, Dad. I felt like crap too, and highly doubt I was going so great in the looks department. I finished dusting the living room around 7:30 last night.

At 8:45pm, Mom called. Their flights were canceled. Both the flight out of Albany and the flight out of Philly. She was going to try to rebook, and would call back. She called back, about half an hour or so later. They couldn't get rebooked. The best they could do was get on a standby flight out of Albany on Wednesday, and then the airline rep told mom there was no telling when they'd get out of Philly; IF they'd get out of Philly. If it were just the two of them travelling, this wouldn't have been ideal. But adding in that they were traveling with a four year old, it was a no go. Mom was able to get a full refund on the tickets. She asked Dad if they could drive out, and Dad said they could, but they would lose a day each way driving. I told Mom it didn't make sense to drive, they either have to come around Lake Erie (not a good idea in winter with the lake effect snows which can spring up at anytime), or come down through PA, and they were telling people in PA, NJ, NY to stay off the roads. I cried. Mom cried. We cried harder when we thought of how disappointed Sydney was going to be. We talked about them coming out on her break in February, or more likely, Spring Break (so that we wouldn't have snow to deal with).

When I hung up with Mom, the first thing I saw was my Christmas tree, shining all bright and happy, with presents underneath waiting to be opened. Erich and I had not had our own Christmas, because we didn't really have much to give each other this year. We had decided to wait until my family arrived, and have one big Christmas. Saturday felt like just another day to us. I did cook a ham. Well, I reheated a ham. We had a ham that was pre-cooked, so I created a glaze and put it over the ham and reheated it. I fixed a box of scalloped potatoes, which I ended up undercooking, and we ate in front of the tv, as we always do. I was so sick, I barely ate anything. I stayed in my pjs all day; I was even too sick to get a shower. You know I'm sick when I don't take a shower! It was nothing special.

Suddenly, last night, the wonderful Christmas I was looking forward to was gone, because of the wrath of Mother Nature. I couldn't take it. I went to the garage and found a couple of boxes, and first I boxed up the gifts to send to Sydney, then I boxed up the gifts to send to my parents. I also sent Mom & Dad's clothes back to them. They were not planning to check bags, so they had shipped some clothes to me in advance. They're going to need them in NY, and if they don't come here til April, they won't need winter clothes then! I separated the few small gifts my parents had sent for us, and the two gifts I had for Erich (an ornament, and an IOU for an afghan). Our main present from my parents were new dining room chairs. But Mom always gives us something small, so we have something to open on Christmas.

Then I attacked the tree. With tears streaming down my face, I took all the ornaments off the tree and put them back in the storage container. I took the ribbons off and wrapped them around the ribbon spool for next year. I opened my small presents from Mom & Dad, and got the dogs gifts down from upstairs and opened those. All the while, I was crying and sobbing. I cried so hard I had to gasp for air, and then had dry heaves. At first I thought it was the worst Christmas I had since 1999, the year I was newly divorced. I spent that Christmas alone in my apartment. I stayed in my pjs all day, kept the curtains drawn, and watched videos. I had opened one present a day leading up to Christmas, and made myself a special meal of ravioli (prior to that, I did not know you could buy ravioli frozen and ready to cook). But at least I had a plan in 1999. It may have been my most depressing Christmas, but I still had one.

This year, I didn't have a Christmas. The whole Christmas season was altered. I started off really well, putting up my tree two weeks early. I was busy not only with the usual Christmas stuff, but with preparing the house for Sydney's visit. Then we were hit with my Grandmother's illness, and that slowed my preparation a bit. Then Drew was so sick. That would have been enough to stop me in other years, but I kept plodding along, putting up the nativity, decorating the house for Christmas. I kept thinking that at the end of all this, Sydney would be here, my parents would be here, and we'd have a few great days together. It kept me going. When I had to give up a weekend of making cookies to fly to NY, I thought it was ok, because I'd make cookies with Sydney this week. All weekend, when I was so sick I shouldn't have gotten out of bed, I kept pushing a little further, kept going for my family. And then, just like that, it was gone. It was December 26 and my Christmas was gone. The Christmas season was gone. I was left with my usual post-Christmas blues, coupled with a disappointment so huge I can't even put it into words. It's always sad to me when Christmas is over, it's such a letdown. That's why I take my tree down quickly, and get my house back to it's non-Christmas form. I don't like the reminders. It's all so sad to me.

And this year it is even worse. It has been about 18 hours since I found out my parents and Sydney aren't coming, and I have almost hid all traces of Christmas in the house. The tree is down and stored for another year. The couches have been moved back to their usual spaces. The outdoor decorations are all down thanks to Erich, and stored in the garage. All I have left to do is take down my nativity set and the Christmas Village (which I just got up Friday night). That will be done tonight. Then I will need to take the Christmas bears down, but right now I can't stand to go into the guest room.

I have cried so much, my eyes are raw. Just when I think I can't cry anymore, the tears start fresh. I know I can't tell people about it. If I start talking about it, I cry. When people at work ask me 'how was your Christmas', I think I will spare them and my eyes and just tell them 'I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about it'. After all, when people ask how your Christmas was, it's kind of a rhetorical question. They want to hear that it was wonderful, you had a great day with your family, you received lots of great presents. They do not want to hear 'it was lousy'. Or worse, 'we didn't have one'.

And it's not about the presents. As I said, our big present were dining room chairs, which arrived before Thanksgiving. Erich bought us a camcorder, which was a present for both of us. For me, Christmas is the feeling- the warmth, the love, the joy. It's the togetherness. Family. This year, I feel very alone, very sad, and very disappointed. The only words I can find to describe the way I feel is devastated and heartbroken.

Sydney was very upset too, but Laura said when she saw all the snow outside, she kind of understood. Laura told her maybe she could come visit me near Easter. In the innocence of a four year old, she immediately worried how the Easter Bunny would find her in Ohio. My sister told her the same way Santa did, and then Sydney wondered what happens to the presents Santa left in Ohio. Laura assured her I was shipping them.

I understand. Sometimes Mother Nature has other plans. It doesn't mean I have to like it. And I don't mean to sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It isn't the end of the world, I know that. Other people had their plans ruined too. I know. They are all over the news. I just feel jipped, and it's been a hellacious month. I know there are always people who have it worse. Right now, I feel like we've had enough. When someone has a rough year, as it gets towards the new year, Mom says she hopes the next year will be better for them.

I am truly hoping 2011 will be better. Or that it at least starts better than 2010 is ending. I am desperately trying to stay positive, to keep from slipping into a depression. 99% of the time, I am able to keep the depression that comes with the Fibro at bay. I think I do a pretty good job of staying positive. Yet, now, I don't have any energy left to fight it. I don't know that I will be successful this time. I truly am so down. I know that I will snap out of it in a few days, but right now, I just want to wallow in pity. I've made a list of projects I can work on to keep me busy. I have apologized in advance to those closest to me if I'm a bit unpleasant the next couple of days. We all have our moments, and I think this one is mine.

I don't wish anything bad on others, but I hope the Universe will find someone else to beat up on. I'm pretty bruised and weak from the beating the Universe has given me over the past few weeks, and could use a break.